If I Had to Tell it Again: A Memoir

Back of the Book Sixty-six years of a lifetime gone

There would be no funeral. He had donated his body to the local medical college. It was part of his script, his fantasy about death. He would show his hospital donation certificate to anyone who came to our house. No rituals for me, he would announce. To his mind there was some justice in being cut up by medical students. He had wanted to be a doctor.

There is his corpse, lying on the floor, people constantly milling around, talking about his untimely, unfortunate death, while I stare at everyone in dry-eyed annoyance. He had always been a popular man, much loved, generous to a fault to his neighbors, even if angry towards his own family. I just want him gone from the house. When the van from the morgue comes to pick him up, everyone urges us to touch his feet, to ask for his blessings. It is expected from children of dead parents. Everyone watches us.

You first, an old man points to me, my father's first-born.

I bend down, my fingers touch his feet.

In my mind the words form, loud and distinct I forgive you.

About the Book From the aftermath of a death emerges this pioneering memoir of a daughter's difficult love for a flawed, passionate, larger-than-life father.

If I Had to Tell It Again is a tapestry of conflicting memories of clinical depression, intense togetherness, mourning, healing, and the shattering of spaces between childhood and adulthood. Charting an emotional minefield with delicacy and honesty, this is a haunting story about the sort of suffering that only families can inflict and endure.

About the Author Gayathri Prabhu is the author of the novels The Untitled (2016), Birdswim Fishfly (2006) and Maya (2003). She teaches literary studies at the Manipal Centre for Philosophy and Humanities.

Book's Sample Pages